23 June 2009

"Conditional" Friendship

I'm not bemoaning or otherwise complaining so much as... as 'processing'...
I was told it would be this way, but at the time didn't put the label on it, didn't define it thus...

Here's the jist of what I'm talking about:

Over the last few months I have developed a very deep, very special friendship with someone. Leastwise, I thought it was so...

So, when this person told me that should another friendship which was developing ever turn physical they (friend "A") would back away, I still didn't register our friendship as "conditional".

I understand that all of our friends, acquaintances etc. are not necessarily going to like each other.
What I'm having trouble with is, why my liking friend "B" would cause "A" to back away or even slightly stall our relationship.

Is it because we are judged by the company we keep? I can accept this to a degree, but at the same time--- I'm not trading one person's friendship for another, to bump one and replace...

I'm not asking friend "A" to like friend "B"; I'm asking why back away from ME?

Talk to me, folks. Show me what it is I'm missing here... help me process this thing...

Slainte, friends.

Cygnus

29 comments:

Piratedred said...

Hopefully Both A and B will understand that they are both hurting C...

Thanks for the time...

T.

Breeze said...

My guess is that there are three possible reasons.

1. Friend A really likes friend C or(or friend B?) beyond friendship and would really find it hard to watch a relationship between the other two, it would hurt.
2. Friend A is thinking that friend B will be jealous of the relationship and wants to give the relationship between B and C its best possible chance.

3. Friend A is very manipulative and insecure and is placing conditions on a friendship.

If it's 1 the person is protecting herself and it's understandable
If it's 2 the person is protection person B & C and that's noble.

if it's C then let her go...she has much growing to do.

How to determine which, ask? Then judge according the response and how it feels to you.

Good luck

Breeze

dixiebelle said...

I agree with Breeze, and Piratedred... and hope it all works out for you!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

People can be weird. To hell with them. I have found this to be a handy-dandy, all-purpose explanation and coping strategy. You're welcome.

RachelW said...

You lost me.... hmm....

Kyddryn said...

Oh, Sir...what a painful place to be, especially when it doesn't have to be so...

I wonder why Perfect Love and Perfect Trust cannot carry over into life from sacred space...

Friend A loves you, Sir, as any friend would. Perhaps she sees something you do not...perhaps she misinterprets what she sees...but she loves you nonetheless, and wants to safeguard your heart. Perhaps she even hurts, a little, that you could so "easily" turn from her to another...for a woman has pride, Sir...and pride is NOT reasonable.

Love is love, a sacred, beautiful thing...and no one is so wealthy they can't use more love, more friends, more joy in their life. I hope that friend A sees the joy in your being and welcomes it...if not its source...and relents rather than depriving you of her loving presence, so long cherished.

Meanwhile, love freely, Sir, and know that you don't need approval or permission to do so...even when the one you are loving has chosen to turn away.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

T.,,,
Thanks for the words, M'Man...
Sincerely.

C.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Well, Breeze, I will rule out choice "3" immediately, for I feel I KNOW 'A' well enough to defend her way beyond "being manipulative".
But, I certainly do thank you for your words-- after all, I asked, and will take several long days to ... to process. And to consider all angles. Thank you again.

C.
[HA! ]

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Thank You, DixieBelle!!!
Sincerely.

It will-- work out.
As it is meant to be...

thanks, M'Lady...

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

DEBRA!!! LOL!!!

I think I grok this the best, so far! ha!

GOOD ADVISE!!!

Thanks, She Who Seeks...!

swan said...

Love is bloody complicated! And each person has learned to have ways to protect the heart, in growing it's often a challenge to stay wide open like the sky and the act of sex it deep super deep affecting people on many different levels. At least they were able to say, this is how I feel. I think it shows that the person wanted you to know that they were entering territory that made their spidey senses go up, I think they just don't want to get hurt. If you can, send blessings to all parties involved and ask for guidance on how to proceed with wisdom for the highest good of all.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Lady RachelW...

It do get complicated...
But-- Thank you for chiming in... I only hope C, B, and CERTAINLY not A, are not lost when at long last the dust settles...

Thank you very much for coming by...

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Lady K...
dare I say how, as from the beginning, YOUR WORDS... You have such a beautiful way with them.

Thank you... very well spoken, friend...

Thanks.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Swan-- very well said, Lady...
I will take your advice to mind heart...

THANK YOU...

Shadow said...

this sounds way complicated... all i can do is wish you luck.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Shadow--
that it do be, but... I believe we make our own "lukk".
Yet to be seen, what I can make of it all... ha!

Thanks, friend and fellow poet (I, the sycophant...)

C.

SunTiger said...

You've asked this question before. P

Perhaps your pondering should be . . . Am I completely whole and complete thinking differently than "A" (and differently than other "friends" you've also blogged about who had similar reactions as "A" in the past).

Perhaps you should surround yourself with "friends" who think more openly about "getting physical" as do you and there will no longer be this tug-of-war with the emotions.

Sylvia said...

Dear Cygnus. I'm very grateful and pleased, in the first place, that you decided to follow Rock the Cage.
Friendship is a gift, one sublime way to Love. A true friend stays with you, even if you walk in the desert. A true friend loves you for what you are, and doesn't care at all if you walk with A, B or C, because this friend just wants to be with you. I'm not forgetting the human conditionalisms, but friendship or love must go beyond. It must be stronger and it must reach further than that. If it doesn't, is it worth it?
One interesting dilemma...
All the best to you.

Asphodel said...

I say do not waste too much precious time to pondering my friend.

Ultimately you owe it to yourself to follow your heart.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

SunTiger--

Well said... but, "A" IS there, IS an intricate part, already, of my life. There be no "replacing"...

Things are working out as the stars deem, though...

Que Sera, Sera, as it goes...

THANK YOU, My Psychic friend, for adding your thoughts to my processing progress...

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Sylvia--
THANK YOU.
[And-- you're welcome! ha!]

This is what, day-by-day, this friend (who HAS NOT backed away ... yet...) and I are testing-- by taking it day-by-day...

I pray our continued developing friendship/love will help alter what seems to be a certain parting of future days... but we HAVE discovered, the last few days, just how painful that parting will be...

Thanks SO MUCH for the food for thought-- for both [or all three! ha!] of us.

C.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Lady Asphodel--
were I to do so, I would be in Campbells Bay before sunrise.. lol!!!

Honest!
ha!

Thanks, seriously, for chiming in, M'Lady Asphodel

Holly said...

Swan!

Um, this is bullshit...truly. It sounds all noble and courtly lovish, but truly tis bullshit.

Someone in the three of you wants their way on their terms on their timing in a way that they feel they can control.

The other? Just wants a good time and what comes along. Come what may sort of attitude.

Fear is afoot here...that's always what it gets down to...fear that the investment won't pay off, fear that you might not get what you want...

But, the biggest fear? Taking the chance that you might feel something ! EWWWW, too scary for some...

So any excuse is a good excuse, and the whole courtly love thing, "I'll back away..." what a noble martyr that would make.

In the end of it all? What the hell is it that you want out of this, Man? And, be real clear. Because that's the only way that this might come out the way you hope instead of feeling like Wile E. Coyote after opening a package from a company called Acme Gunpowder.

Get my drift? This is about feelings...this is about fear.

Your worth a whole lot of fear and trembling...someone who wants to take it as it unfolds. YOU. Are. WORTH. It.

Bright Blessings.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Holly--- I am tking liberties with this comment... as you will see...
;D

THANK YOU, My Matron...

many words to ponder here-- for A, B AND C...

Absolutely core-ringing BEAUTIFUL, Woman.

swan said...

Hey Holly, I appreciate and respect your candor. I do not know any of the people involved but in reading his paragraph posting it reminded me of a situation that I was in a few years aback. It was super tough. As for taking chances, I am one of the most daring people I know, I live with my heart on my sleeve and have been through some hard knocks but that said I try to stay wide open to change and the universe and continue to love. I've got allot to learn, a long way to go... But that's why I'm here. I think if I had a religion it would be to learn how to be more kind and use my gifts for good. As said before I'm just a blogger commenting on a world where I don't know the parties involved but I send them all bright blessings.

spottedwolf said...

Jimmy....reminds me of an old Gracie Slick tune............"I don't really see...why can't we go on as three"

Too damned much of that rules of engagement stuff makes life stuffy, eh...

there's always personal "gain' agendas on this table you speak of mate..

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I like your words, Spotted Wolf.
And Gracie Slick's, too! ha!

Thanks for offering them...

Zepharia Andres said...

A heart well prepared for adversity in bad times hopes, and in
good times fears for a change in fortune. See the link below for more info.

#good time
www.ufgop.org

Shea Kang said...

Do one thing everyday that scares you.
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