04 January 2010

I Should Have Been...

Born at least capable of contemplating the act of suicide. I wasn't. So tonight I suffer...

I sleep under a roof I have not contributed a penny towards sustaining.

I eat of food I have not earned.

I exist amongst people... and I havde no means of soon exterminating my plague on them-- the plague of said existence.

It gnaws my core. I gnaw my core-soul.

I bite. I gnash. I fling and flail with Tyrannasaurous jaw. I suck like a Hoover. I'm not having much fun being tonight-- not jim or swan or asswipe or any other variant of this round's existence.

So, how are you doing c'est soir?

Better, I hope.




Momlady said...

What you contribute cannot be priced. You are, other than his mom, the best thing that has come into the "Evil Genius's" life.
You will find a way.

Shadow said...

you sound in pain... i hope it passes soon. my clouds have lifted i'm glad to say.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Thank you, Shadow. A bad night, yes.
Brighter today, thankfully. And determined.



Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Thank you, momlady...

I KNOW I belong here. I know some days, even when I am financially independent, are going to be dark.

I also know that I'll NEVER be defeated-- not for more than some few hours or such at times.

Thanks for the words, MomLady.

Felinae said...


Do not try to put a price on things that are not monetary.

What you bring to that household is far more than materialistic. You have given to each member a part of your soul, your heart and that to them is worth more than any contribution of dollars.

You will earn your food in time, gardens do not grow overnight, this you know. Just like the new life you chose to start, it must be nourished with love, kindness and patience in order for it to flourish and blossom.

Patience Cygnus, we've had this talk many times before. Everybody has a down period, how you choose to deal with it makes all the difference.


Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Thank you, Felinae my friend...

Thank you deeply.

Sylvia said...

Suicide?! No way! Without you, this world would be darker and sadder. Don't think of it. Start thinking of all the people that love you. Better days will come, my friend. Keep fighting, keep the faith.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

No, Lady Sylvia-- I will never take myself out. Hence the hard night.

But worth it. All of life eventually proves worth the journey.

Thank you, Lady S.